Over the course of my time as a therapist, one particular issue has peaked my interested more than any other: This notion that lesbians, more than any other “type of gay (or straight) person”, struggle to find what “type” they are. In other words, I have seen numerous clients come in to therapy, trying to figure out if they are more “butch” or more “femme”.

There appears to be this socially imposed dichotomy, to which all lesbians, evidently, must subscribe to one side or the other. Part of me struggles so much with this notion, for the mere fact that it keeps an already oppressed people further oppressed–BY OUR OWN PEOPLE. Even within the gay community, one of the first questions asked is “well what kind of lesbian is she?”.

Person A: I want to introduce you to my friend, I think you guys would really hit it off.
Person B: What does she look like, is she butch or femme? You know I only like femmes.

And so the dialog goes.

Like somehow the way a person dresses automatically defines them; there appears to be little to no room for variation within this. My clients often struggle as they don’t feel like they “belong” in one category or the other, leaving them constantly grasping at an identity that appears elusive and impossible to achieve. If they go on a date with someone who is more butch, they tend to naturally assume the role of being more femme. Similarly, if they find themselves interested in someone who appears more feminine, they tend to play up the butch or masculine side.

This happens like clockwork; it tends to be predictable and ever-so-painfully uneccessary, if you ask me. Even if one type of lesbian is interested in someone, like possibly they have seen another individual at the bar several times and they decide that tonight is going to be THE NIGHT where they go up and talk to that someone, they will likely dress “opposite” of that person, with the assumption that that will further the huntee’s attraction. What does it mean then, if two butch women (or femme women) are attracted to one another? Is this like the “gay” (i.e. “abnormal”) of the gay world? Double gay?

Now, I recognize that this isn’t the case for all lesbians. Lesbians, like all people, want to feel comfortable with themselves. They (we) want to dress in ways that make them (us) look or feel good (or possibly, to the contrary, some dress in ways that hide their bodies, much like the gay male and hetero counterparts do, when we bring lack of self confidence to the equation). But, overwhelmingly in my office, I work with individuals struggling to find “what kind of lesbian they are”, which somehow dictates, apparently, who they (are allowed to) fall in love with. There seems to be little room for variance. If a femme girl wears cargo shorts, her friends will often give her a hard time or tell her how strange she looks. God forbid she decide to cut her hair.

Even my own partner gives me a hard time on the (very) rare occasion that I want to wear a dress. WHO CARES? Does wearing a dress to a special event change who I am? Does it make me somehow less attractive, or is she, even for a brief moment, being just as oppressive to me as any other person oppressing one another based off of something so meaningless? Does wearing a dress change who I am? Does it change my humor, my personality, my face?

If my clients were more free to dress how they wanted, rather than based off of some underlying, secretive lesbian pecking order, I wonder how much more authentic they would actually be? How much of our appearance is a mask? Especially on the days we wear pants but secretly wanted to wear a dress? How much do I, as a relatively “butch” lesbian (although I don’t think that’s an accurate description of myself, as I wear mascara and a bit of other make up every single day of my life) change based off of how I chose to dress myself? Furthermore, where do I, as an eye-makeup wearing “butch” lesbian, fit in? No one seems to care that I straddle the middle, until I deviate off in one direction.

We have all heard the term “hetero-normative” and I’m wondering what word I might assign to the “normative” portion of being gay and fitting into these stereotypes? Lesbo-normative? Meaning either butch OR femme? I wonder what it would look like if we could move past the lesbo-normative expectations of lesbianism, quit the further-oppressive bullshit that we force upon one another, and allow our fellow peers to just be.

So stop being so quick to sort through your closet and throw out those old dresses or cargo shorts, you never know when someone just might love you for you.