I recently was having a discussion with someone about his sexual identity. He reported that he struggles to come out to his mother (despite him being middle aged) because she seems to over-sexualize everything, and yet isn’t comfortable discussing sex at all. She is, as we deemed her, “sex-negative”. He was able to realize, through our discussion, that his sexuality isn’t about him having sex with other men, although that’s what he has experienced as identifying him, socially.

This got me thinking: Do people really consider the actual act of two people having sex when they think or hear about (homo)sexuality? When I come out to someone, do they stop to think (or even worse, picture) my partner and I actually being intimate?

They must. Because the anti-sodomy laws and everything else that go into keeping homosexuality illegal must truly stem from people’s discomfort with two individuals of the same gender getting it on. When I learn (or have it confirmed, as I fall into the same trap that most others likely fall into about assuming someone is straight until being proven otherwise—which is a whole other blog) that someone is straight, I don’t picture them being intimate with someone of the opposite sex. That seems ludicrous to me!

But here’s the thing…being gay is NOT a sex act. Identifying as gay is SO MUCH MORE than who you sleep with. It is about a level of intimacy often not reached should the same gay individual try to find non-sexual, intimate connection with someone of a different gender.

We hear about “bromances” and women who share absolutely everything with one another, call each other “wives” or “wifeys” as jokes, etc, and those individuals likely are experiencing that type of deep connection, minus the physical attraction. Imagine taking that one of a kind connection, and coupling it with the fact that you are also physically and sexually attracted to that person, and wa-bam, you have yourself a same-sex relationship. It is so much more than what body parts each of you has.

So please, let’s keep in mind that sexual identity extends far beyond sexual organs. My sleeping with women is one of the last things I consider when I chose to publicly identify as gay. I consider connection, unmatchable intimacy, a mutual and deep understanding rarely achieved in my experiences with men, and a whole lot of other things.

Also, for what it’s wroth, I recognize that there are several different sexual identities, and using words like “gay” over simplifies. That being said, for the sake of simplifying the post, I am sticking to easily understood terms by laypeople. To me, this is about a concept—not about what’s between anyone’s legs.