The people that know me know that I tend to do things a bit differently. When working with clients who have gone through a breakup, I encourage them to think about if the heartache is fueled by missing the person, or missing what the person represented to him or her. Let me explain: Often my clients report that feelings of loneliness or sadness are what keep them going back to their ex (or wanting to contact him/her). They pick up the phone in moments of weakness to reach out to the person they think they need.

When trying to recover from a healthy breakup, I encourage my clients to stop and ask themselves, in those moments of weakness, what is fueling the desire to reach out to their ex. Is it that they are feeling lonely? Sad? Angry? Bored? (More times than not they will realize that they are missing the connection the person represented, not them person him/her self). If they can identify what is fueling the desire for that behavior, they can do something in direct response to the desire. If you’re feeling lonely, reach out to a friend or hug your dog. If you’re feeling sad, put on your favorite movie.

In other words, you are likely used to having your ex-partner there to fill all of those voids, and you’ve never had to stop and figure out what is fueling the desire to reach out when you were together—why? Because why would you?! S/he was your partner and you can reach out when you want without needing to justify it to yourself or anyone else.

But things are different now, and they aren’t there like they used to be. So turn the attention in-ward. Use this as a time to really get to know yourself. Make lists of things you can do when you’re lonely (bored, sad, etc). That way, when you are experiencing an emotion, after you identify if, you already have a list of things lined up to help you respond to it.

By the end of this journey, not only will you have given the necessary time and space both of you deserve and need, but you will have a much deeper understanding about yourself, what fuels you, triggers you, etc. And you will feel a lot better knowing that you did it while simultaneously getting to know yourself on the very intimate level your partner knew you on. And this will set you up for future relationship success.