On more than one recent occasion I have heard, in reference to an overweight woman, “she has such a pretty face”. Although these words are likely intended as compliments, they infuriate me.

Because what you are actually saying is that were her head on a different body, she would be attractive. Like people cannot be deemed attractive because they are overweight, even if we THINK THEY ARE ATTRACTIVE—and of course we do, or we wouldn’t have said it. Like we somehow have to defend it and preface it with an unspoken “I realize that this person is heavy, but were she not, I would say she was attractive. But I wont say that because she’s clearly heavy”.

To the other end, people often also say “she has a hot body” or is a “butterface”, meaning “…everything but her face”. I also find this offensive, but for some reason, less so. Maybe it’s because we have grown up as a fat-shaming (even more so than “ugly-shaming”) culture, and I have fallen victim to it my entire life. Maybe because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, whereas weight is far less subjective. We have tools to measure weight, scales and charts to tell us when we are “overweight”, pills to take and programs to follow to “fix” our weight.

With beauty, there are still pressures, don’t get me wrong. But with beauty there are no scales or pills. By even having the term “butterface”, we imply that at least she isn’t fat on top of being ugly—at least being skinny is her saving grace. And there you have it, folks. Right there is where it seems to come full circle.

So next time you see someone that you deem attractive, dare to say it. Without justifying or prefacing. Have the courage to admit that beauty doesn’t have to be a size 0. Let someone know it when you think they are beautiful.

Let’s stop the fat shaming and just let attractiveness stand on it’s own two feet—even if they hold a lot of weight, so too, do your back-handed compliments. In fact, I guarantee they are a lot heavier.