I recently took a trip back East to visit some family. Three of the family members I saw all said the same “compliment” to me within minutes of seeing them: YOU LOOK SKINNY. While generally most people would be thrilled to hear this and take it as a compliment, I find something extraordinarily aggravating about this remark.

(Now, before I continue, I wish to acknowledge that this blog isn’t a dig on them. It’s a reflection of a larger societal issue. Their comments were not meant to harm me, and quite frankly, them making these comments speaks to the very problem; they too have an unhealthy preoccupation with appearance and weight. What started as frustration has, in part through writing this blog, turned into sympathy for them too, knowing they see through the same lens as I. Regardless, let me continue…)

The bottom line is, I am so tired of people (my family, especially, but really all people) noticing my weight. My weight is not your business. If I looked heavier than the last time you saw me I’d hate to think you’d say something (although some people—and have before), but to acknowledge that I look skinny tells me you’re still looking at my body. That my weight is still something you’re concerning yourself with. And enough is enough. My size is not your business and despite what you think it’s never been your business and it never will be.

I know the comments came from a well-intended place, but I think there is something inherently wrong with us focusing on one another’s bodies.

I’ve spent my entire life with my body under someone else’s microscope, and have spent years trying to reclaim ownership of it. When someone else points out how I look (or, I believe, how any of us looks), it reduces us to a number or a size. It perpetuates the notion that our bodies are on display and they are more valuable and more worthy of attention when they look like society believes they should.

Tell me my hair looks good. Tell me you like my sweater. Better yet, tell me you are proud of my accomplishments or think that I’m smart or better spoken than the last time you saw me. But, whatever you do, stop telling me I look skinny. Stop diminishing me to a set of standards that I didn’t create for myself.

My partner and I often think about how we will compliment our daughter, as she gets older. She’s a damn cute baby, and people aren’t shy about telling us that. Nor are we shy about telling her. That being said, we are very intentional with preparing ourselves to compliment her with phrases like “you are so smart” or “you’re such a good sharer” or listener. Because we don’t want her growing up believing that her looks are why we are proud of her or are what make her valuable. We want to instill in her the type of self-worth that surpasses awkward stages and braces, we want her to feel confident in any size jeans, to love herself on a deeper level than due to her reflection in a mirror.

It’s easy to fall into a habit of compliments based off of appearance and values based off of looks, but I am continually trying to push back. I don’t want my daughter (or anyone, for that matter!) to have to grow up valuing herself based off of how she looks. I have spent too much of my life buying into it, and doing so came at a hefty price.

So please, next time you see me, leave your opinions on my body out of the conversation. It has no place there.