My partner and I recently (as in 11 weeks ago) had a baby. This experience has been life-changing in so many ways. Beyond the exhaustion, the expenses, and the indescribable love, one thing it has also impacted is our interpersonal relationships. Our friends appeared ecstatic for us from the get go. Everyone was incredibly supportive, showed up at our baby shower, showered us with gifts and offers of support. People were offering to bring us food and babysit at a rate we couldn’t possibly keep up with. We truly were reminded how lucky we are to have such supportive, amazing friends.

When our daughter finally was born, it felt as though a shift occurred. Some of our very closest friends were texting us while we were still in the hospital; asking how quickly they could come visit. Many visited, which was incredible and exactly what we expected.

As the weeks passed by, however, I noticed a pattern emerge; it felt like many of our friends faded into the background. People whose phone calls I was excited to answer from promises made weeks before never actually called. I fully recognize that people wanted to give my growing family space to bond, yet couldn’t help feel slightly disappointed by some of the people who didn’t reach out.

The purpose of this post isn’t to insult my friends. Rather, it is to hopefully help share with you ways you can support new parents. And this is what I’ve learned:

1. Don’t wait for the new parents to reach out. They won’t. They are tired and stressed and constantly adjusting to an inconsistent schedule and life. They will not pick up the phone to ask you to come over in the occasional down minute. Call them.
2. Don’t come to their house expecting to be fed or tended to in any way. If anything, it would be amazing if you brought something. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, but even a box of mac-and-cheese that you then offer to prepare (and better yet clean up those few dishes at the end) goes a looooong way!
3. Walk the dogs. Or do the dishes. New parents don’t have time for many things extracurricular any more. Things that used to be priorities seem to fall by the way side. Help your loved ones keep their life on track.
4. We understand that you are here to hold the baby. If that’s why you are over, then make us go do something (even if that includes napping) while you are here…don’t expect your entire visit to be chit-chatting with us while we watch you hold our baby. A) we might not like what we see but are scared to redirect you and B) we want those few minutes away from her. Not because we don’t love her, but because we need some adult time sometimes.
5. Don’t take it personally if you call and we don’t answer, or if you ask to come over and we say no. It’s hard to set a schedule, and if we are working on that, any disruption might impact us more significantly than you realize. Having a baby skip a nap, for example, may not seem like a big deal to you. But when that same baby becomes over-tired and wont sleep at all that night because of said skipped nap, and instead is up screaming hysterically all night long. Unless you are offering to come console her, you have no room to talk. Be patient with us and respectful of what we are trying to accomplish.

If you have had a child and have had similar (or different) experiences, please share what you’ve learned and found to be helpful. Likewise, if you have been on the supporting friend side of things, please also feel free to comment, expressing what you did to help your friend (by giving them space, by reaching out/not reaching out, etc) and why.