Every year, like clockwork, the stress-inducing holidays arrive. When I sit down with my clients to delve deeply into what exactly is so stressful, I find a common theme: many of these families—or at least small dynamics between family members—have poor boundaries. These poor boundaries awaken the vulnerabilities and frustrations within each of us. Mom hovers over you as manage the food on the stove, Dad makes comments about the way the kids are dressed.

These types of behaviors, although normal for your family dynamic, are all boundary violations to one degree or another.

As kids, we learn boundaries based off of our experiences. If we have parents who do not make it emotionally safe to “push back” or stand up for ourselves, we learn we cannot speak up for what we believe in. This often manifests itself in ways like the employee never asking for a raise, despite seeing her coworkers receive one year after year. If we have been physically abused, we learn that it is not safe to exist. If we have been sexually abused, we learn (or internalize, rather) that our bodies do not belong solely to us or are anyone’s for the taking.

The only thing, it seems, many of my clients have yet to learn, is that the unhealthy boundaries that don’t serve us don’t have to be written in stone—just because “this is just how my family is”.

When discussing boundaries with my clients, I speak of them in terms of those written in stone, and those written in sand. Some boundaries (emotional, for example), should be written in sand. When we meet someone, we should be relatively guarded; intentional with what information we share. As that person becomes closer to us, however, we can redraw the line and choose to share more, if and when it feels safe and appropriate to do so. Other boundaries should be written in stone. It is never OK, for example, to have one’s physical boundaries violated. Unless I know you, and we mutually agree that it is OK to be physical with one another, that line ought not be crossed.

As we think in terms of having healthy boundaries for the holidays, keep this metaphor in mind: some family members can be viewed like ivy. No matter how much pruning you do, it always seems to go where it shouldn’t and require constant energy-draining pruning or tending to. Others, however, are more responsive to pruning. You cut it once, in the shape that you want or need, and it stays in place. Which of your family members are ivy, and have you ever stopped to consider that you have a choice to change the dynamic?

Boundaries are incredibly important, although scary to implement. Boundaries, in their rarest form, preserve life. Cells have boundaries, muscles have boundaries, bones have boundaries, and our skin is a boundary between our person and the world beyond us. Without boundaries, nothing would know it’s place. Without knowing it’s place, everything would be jumbled together and life simply could not be sustained. If the chair you’re sitting in to read this blog did not respect the boundaries of both the floor and your rear end, you’d be on the ground. It’s that simple. If you can think of boundaries in terms of life-preserving rather than intimidating mental rules, I guarantee you feel much more protected as you move forward into the holidays with your family.

So now what? How do I set boundaries?

Follow these simple steps and you will be well on your way:

1. Create your boundaries. This is essential. What feels good for you and what feels icky? You have to know what you want or need in order to share that with others.
2. Share your boundaries.
3. Enforce your boundaries. This is always the hardest part, the part that often requires exhausting pruning. If you have historically been a “doormat”, some people may wonder what’s wrong with you? Like all of a sudden you’re being nasty or bitchy—when the reality is, you’re preserving life. Your life.