Yesterday I was in a session with a client who was very upset over reactions she’s received over a recent tattoo. My client, who has several tattoos, showed her most recent tattoo to several people in her life. All of them, she reported with tears in her eyes, judged her newest work.  Reactions varied from “are you done yet?” to “I would never get a tattoo there“ to “wow, you are no longer just my friend with tattoos—you’ve become my tattooed friend”.

While these reactions might seem innocent (although to me, as a tattooed person, they actually don’t), they were hurtful to her. The truth is, tattoos are an extension of who we are. They are not just artwork on our skin, they become our skin. When someone makes a comment about one’s tattoo, they are blatantly judging the way in which the individual with the tattoo is choosing to express him or herself. They are judging their freedom.

To make matters worse, they are judging something permanent. This is not a pair of jeans that one can say “well, if you want to know the truth, they make your butt look big”. Jeans can be put back on a shelf. Tattoos are there to stay. (And isn’t that the point?)

This particular client is a survivor of abuse. When survivors get tattoos and are rejected because of them, they are being violated yet again—this time (and possibly yet again), by those they love. They are being told yet again to make “better” choices with their body. That their body is no longer attractive; that they are further damaged.

Many of my clients have tattoos (birds of a feather flock together). Many of those individuals have experience some type of physical or sexual abuse. When we begin digging deep about what the tattoos mean for these folks, often I hear things like “they make me look more intimidating, they keep people at bay”. If or possibly as part of the point is to keep people at bay for these particular clients (this is NOT always the case for why people get tattoos or how they experience having them…I am intentionally discussing a small group of people right now), then it saddens me even further to hear that these people live their lives trying to keep people at bay, and are further emotionally scarred by those they’ve strategically and intentionally chosen to let in.

Next time you see someone who has tattoos—myself included—be mindful of your reaction. Don’t let their identity be taken over because of their expressive choices. There is a big difference between being called a friend with tattoos versus ones “tattooed friend”. Tattoos are a part of one’s identity, like any other identifying factor, they are not the only part or the first part or the most important part. Don’t be a person whose name they can add to the list of “I feel like shit when I look in the mirror because…”

Respect the art. Respect their process. Respect their decision. Respect their body. Because they are finally learning to do the same.